Long silence

I have not forgotten, you've always been on my mind.



Mostly I haven't been able to get my thoughts together well enough to talk about moving back home and starting clinics.

I suppose the best way to describe the transition is "the grass is always greener on the other side".  While living in St. Kitts I missed Oregon horribly, and now that I'm home and back where I've been wanting to be I find myself missing the island more than I had anticipated. Maybe its the winter dreariness of Oregon currently, maybe its missing my friends from the island, maybe its the stress of clinics.

Speaking of clinics... its a roller coaster. When I stop and think about what I'm getting to do and learn about, its truly amazing. In the moment its less clear. I wonder all the time if people can see on my face how scared shitless this all makes me. Can they tell that I'm winging it? Do they know how nervous I am every moment? Somehow I'm making it through, and coming up with good answers here and there. I've got nothing but good feedback from my first month of rotations, but I have a feeling that this month on large animal surgery will not result in kind words from my clinicians. I'm thankful that my first patient in "large animal" was a pygmy goat. Now that is something that I am comfortable working with. He weighs thirty pounds. And he is a trained house pet. Piece of cake. Angry stallion? No thank you.

Some days, before heading to school, I think to myself, I could just quit, go run away and teach swim lessons in the Caribbean. But then I remember that I'm $250,000 in debt, and I do actually love what I'm doing, even if it brings out my biggest insecurities on a daily basis. I'll be better for it in the long run, right?